Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
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Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me