Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
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There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
sweet dreams💖
