Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
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I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.