Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.