Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
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“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.