Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

In Canada they just call them geese