Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!

My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food