Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
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Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
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Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats