me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
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You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Cats are still liquid.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.