Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

They got Raph!

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.

Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.

Daughter:

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

My age is news to me every single time I remember

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.