*leaves a trail of banana peels so you slip and fall …..
In love with me, HAHA SUCKAH.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
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(Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass
(Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back “sir”
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Every tech conference
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
But, not in public.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.