me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
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Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.