Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.