Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

“SOMEONE IS VAPING”

911: Stay calm, were tracing it

“HURRY”

911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

“OMG”

911: GET OUT GET OUT

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

respect

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!