Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
You Might Also Like
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
👽
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?