Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
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On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I fixed it. For me
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
One venti cheeseburger please.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong