Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.

Most of the time.

Once in a while.

Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.