Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

Did…did a minotaur write this

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.