Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

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-Octopus preparing for a fight

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.