Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”

I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare