Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
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Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Admin smashed it 😂
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.