Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

🙄😏😂🤣

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.