Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the red hot silly peppers

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t