Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
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When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
My background check bounced.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
his wife is probably gonna see that
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.