Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
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Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.