Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
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BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I love being outside, just not when it’s too cold or too hot or too wet or too windy or if there are bugs
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
How to find Kentucky on a map
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.