Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

never stops being funny

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

oh shit

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

*taps on your head*

“Is this think on?”

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

A comic by Dan Piraro

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?