Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
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Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.