Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
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To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler