Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

The glockness monster

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

🥶🥶🐶🐶

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]