Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have a lovely day 😊

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

*limbos under the caution tape

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

sneezy geese carry a honkerchief

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.