Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad