Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

If my kids invented a drink.

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.