Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
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The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Hawk o the mornin tuah
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.