Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.

6yo: FOREVER!

Me: Thank you.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.