Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief