Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…

Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Now colored!

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

Been there, done that.

– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT