Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
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Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Holy shit he’s back
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.