Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
You Might Also Like
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?
The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.