Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
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Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Oh hi lol
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses