@Browtweaten

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

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@inmybox07

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

@julezmac

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

@rn_murse

1 out of every 3 New Yorkers has written, directed, and starred in an episode of “Law & Order.”

@TommyKarate

Thank you for calling. To speak with a human being, please hang up and travel back to the early 1990’s.

@HeidiCF8

I licked 8 lollipops and sealed them in ziplocs during my stomach flu if anyone needs to lose 5lbs by the weekend.

@KeiLunMusic

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

@brunopieroni

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

@ch000ch

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…