Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
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Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute