My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
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– Beat Cop
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
1 out of every 3 New Yorkers has written, directed, and starred in an episode of “Law & Order.”
Thank you for calling. To speak with a human being, please hang up and travel back to the early 1990’s.
I licked 8 lollipops and sealed them in ziplocs during my stomach flu if anyone needs to lose 5lbs by the weekend.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…