Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
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Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”