Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.