Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?

Icy dead people…

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*

Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.

12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*

Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??

12: I…uh…..*runs away*

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

🤭

My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed