Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

I just tested negative for patience.

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

New comic up. “Ransom”