@iLikeCatShirts

Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

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@samalmightysam

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

@dorsalstream

When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”

@TheMichaelRock

Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.

@bazecraze

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

@shutupmikeginn

It’s goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. “Your secret is well guarded… behind a zipper”

@callie_cakes

Pro Tip: Don’t EVER tell a 10yr old boy that you don’t “get” X-Men.

Because. They. Will. Explain. It.

@humorandanimals

when he dropped the ball it was like “this is getting good”
(shadowtheaussie IG)

@JoParkerBear

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”