Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

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Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.


When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”


Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.


Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.


It’s goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. “Your secret is well guarded… behind a zipper”


Pro Tip: Don’t EVER tell a 10yr old boy that you don’t “get” X-Men.

Because. They. Will. Explain. It.


when he dropped the ball it was like “this is getting good”
(shadowtheaussie IG)


It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”