Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
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From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Don’t we all.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing