Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

This was my dad’s browser history.

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

latin students necrophiliacs

🤝
enjoying a dead tongue

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help