Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
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Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.