Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
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*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
i will not be silenced
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.