Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
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{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Education is vital
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I’m just playing devils avocado here