Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
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I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.