Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
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Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
going to the ER y’all need anything
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉