Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
You Might Also Like
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
calling in to work dehydrated
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon