Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping