Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

*offers Batman cough drops*

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”