Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

Worst Native American name ever.

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”