Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.