me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
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My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Hit me in the face with a bird
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.