me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
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Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS