me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
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I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)