Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears

‘Sup.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day