Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
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*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
“What?”
– Jude
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?