Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
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Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
me adding lol on a serious message
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Feels like the fourth month in January
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?