Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
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an octopus is just a wet spider
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
i think both sides are to blame here
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious