Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about

KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?

ME: change the wi-fi password

KID: nonononono I’m sorry

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”