me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
You Might Also Like
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
same but as an audience member
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
as the prophecy foretold
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.