Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.