me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
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Who chose this font
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.