me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
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[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
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I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
my astrological sign is a french fry