Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.

High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?

Fake Gnus

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him