Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
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I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.