me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
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Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day