Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

When your diet is finally over.

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

Smile they said.

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever

Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.