me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
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Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel