Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

Thinking of taking Easter decorations down

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.